Have you ever had someone directly criticize you in public? It’s humiliating right? Earlier this month I hopped on a flight to give a talk at a college that chose The Promise of a Pencil as the common read for all their students. In many ways the book was written exactly for college students, as it’s a demographic that feels the restlessness I experienced and my hope was that through writing about those struggles it would appeal to students seeking to define themselves as well.
My keynote to the student body was scheduled for 7pm in the evening, but they asked me to fly in early to participate in a seminar-style course just before lunch. Of course I was excited to hear the students’ thoughts and share my own, so after arriving I gave a short introduction and then opened the floor for questions. As often happens on college campuses, the majority of students were quite timid at first but one college student immediately raised his hand. I eagerly called on him.
He looked down at his notepad and stated the following prewritten question, “Your book opens with the following Howard Thurman quote:
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” (click to Tweet this).
Don’t you think that quote is inappropriate to use? There are people like those fighting for ISIS right now who would claim they’re doing what makes them most come alive and yet you’re encouraging readers to follow that type of path.”
It certainly wasn’t the opening question I was expecting, but I explained my intentions in citing the quote and how I believed it was appropriate. He raised his hand again. Another critical question came about the introduction to the book. And another. And another. Over the next hour, while others asked many solid questions, this one kid peppered me with one aggressive question after another. Clearly he had a bone to pick, and for some reason he had an issue with me personally. This culminated with the final question of the session.
“Would you agree with the belief that your book is a glorified self-help guide that masquerades as having a message?”
As soon the words left his mouth he smiled a wide grin. He was trying to bait me into saying something inappropriate. “Well that’s an incredibly negative description of the book if you’d like to categorize it that way,” I said. A few students laughed uneasily to relieve the tension. “I’d describe it as a book that details a personal journey and shares the highs and lows of building a purpose-driven organization as well as the lessons learned along the way. My hope was that it would be beneficial to the reader and gives them the tools to accomplish whatever their dream may be, but you can certainly categorize it as you choose.” I said it calmly, but internally I was ready to explode.
Over the next several hours I worked over email, all the while prepping for my keynote that night. I kept replaying this kid’s questions in my mind. I couldn’t seem to stop my internal fury over it, but something strange started to happen.
Criticism forces us to either derail or defend our beliefs. (click to Tweet this).
I found myself taking out entire sections of my previously prepared talk because they no longer seemed good enough. I reworked the entire presentation in ways I hadn’t undertaken before because I now felt beholden to an even higher standard that this student has set through his verbal daggers.
Suddenly I realized that I cared more about the speech that night than any other in recent memory (and I really care about every speech I give!), and that it was all being driven by this one kid’s critique.
Later that night, I gave what I believe was one of my best speeches to date. It was entirely new and fresh. The feeling in the room was electric and I walked off stage actually grateful to that young man for being my biggest critic that day. As much as the other students from that one class didn’t attack me, they also didn’t help me get better.
Disagreement is always better than disengagement. (click to Tweet this).
It fosters debate. It forces us to fortify our beliefs and ideals. Most importantly, it destroys apathy. So next time you turn in a project or work on an idea, ask for someone to tear it apart. You just might be surprised with how much you’ll discover in your quest to defend it.
Ray
Where does the quote from Dr. Howard Thurman come from? A book he wrote? A speech or sermon he gave?
Emma
AFAICT you’ve coeevrd all the bases with this answer!
Kyle Blundell
Hey Adam!
I have a feeling that this was on a certain community college in the chandler-gilbert area?
I remember the day after your keynote, that I sadly wasn’t able to attend, our class talked about this and we were in uproar. I will remember the quote “disagreement is better than disengagement” thanks for sharing your passion. Your passion has influenced me in more way than you would think!
Adam
Glad the quote resonates with you!
Akshay Nanavati
Thanks for sharing this story. It is awesome! As always, I am hugely inspired by your work and your stories Adam.
I know exactly what this feels like too.
I am on a journey to run across every country in the world to help strengthen global community cohesion and reduce the indifference and strife that exists in the world. When CNN wrote an article about my endeavor, I was shocked to see how many people responded to my journey with negativity and even animosity. But, exactly like you said Adam, their criticism helped me get even more clarity on my project and how I intend to make a difference through it.
I am curious though how you responded to the Howard Thurman quote. I love that quote and use it all the time, but as I began to get more clarity for my project, I myself wondered what that student did, and continue to wrestle with the idea. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Your book has helped my project a great deal by the way, so thank you and more importantly thank you for all you do and all that you are in this world Adam.
Adam
Thanks Akshay, I explained to the student how I believed the quote was about finding those positive elements within oneself, not the destructive ones.
Jack
Hi Adam,
Thank you for sharing all of your stories, it has really helped inspire me turn my passion into purpose! My name is Jack Campbell, I am a 16 year old from Vancouver. I really admire how pencils of promise equals out the playing field for education. I have a related idea that I think you should hear about. How is the best way for me to get in touch with you?
Thanks so much!
Jack
Adam
The best way is to email me Jack. You can do so at adam@ipromise.org
terri friel
Adam, it certainly appears that this kid absolutely came after the right guy. He helped you in ways that neither he nor you could anticipate. Embrace your critics, they are often your biggest friends in disguise as enemies. They force you to rethink, to re-engage and to review yourself and your thoughts in ways that friends never will. I’d change your title to “Thank your critics!”
I personally seek out at least one naysayer in my leadership groups to make sure I’m keeping on the right path. Keep your friends but keep your enemies closer is great advice. best wishes kiddo!
Adam
Thanks Terri, I love the advice. You’re spot on!
Zubin Sharma
There are those so contrary
They sicken from the cure
So save your stories, Rumi
For seekers of the pure
-Rumi
Adam
Beautiful… hope you’re well Zubin. Keep inspiring us all with your great work in the field.
Caely
Great read and very profound! I guess you and the student made each other come alive 🙂 We need Adam Braun to talk in South Africa!
Adam
haha one day I’ll get there!
Erin
Inspiring read! We are often quick to get defensive when our work, faith, beliefs etc. are questioned and/or criticized. What a great reminder that there is always an opportunity to learn, grow by seeing it through another’s eyes when we leave our ego at the door. Your book inspired and motivated me in all areas of my life! I am always telling people it is a must read!
Adam
Much appreciated Erin, and I completely agree with you. “There is always an opportunity to learn…”
Dora
Walking in the precsnee of giants here. Cool thinking all around!
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That mint dress is gorgeous Vix! And it really suits you, but I can see it is completely not your style. You are much too much of a beautiful flower child to wear something so buttoned up. My fave find (apart from the lady lamp, which you know I love) is the midwinter tureen. And the fabby cocktail stirrers. xx
Karen Woodin
Very true. Thanks for sharing Adam! I graduated from college 4 years ago and your book deeply resonated with me. My favorite part of your experience is that disagreement is better than disengagement. Thanks for modeling a way for us to respond fruitfully to criticism.
Adam
For sure Karen, good luck going forward!
Nicole Chiang
Thank you for sharing your wonderful insight, Adam. It takes so much courage and vulnerability to live in the way that you do. You may be interested in the following TEDx video if you haven’t already seen it:
Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren’t The Ones Who Count – on YouTube
Cheers 🙂
Adam
Great call Nicole, her work is fantastic.
Craig
Adam,
The phrase “disagreement is always better than disengagement” is a great reminder. Taking a situation as an opportunity is something which reinforced some of my core principles -which I let slide from time to time. It is not about being right, it is about being better. Personally or professionally. Thanks for sharing.
Adam
I like that Craig, “It’s not about being right, it’s about being better.”
Tommy
Time to face the music armed with this great inartmfoion.
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Rupali Embry
Excellent post and reminder. It’s hard to put your heart out in the world and then be attacked by those who are just sitting on the sidelines throwing stones. You really turned those lemons into lemonade, Adam…well done!!!
Adam
I’m sure you’ve done the same Rupali, thanks for sharing your thoughts on the read.
Naomi Arnold | Project Healthy Happy Me
Thanks for sharing this story Adam, what a fantastic reminder to reinterpret criticism in a helpful way. Oh and I would have loved to have seen your speech that night!
Adam
Me too, it wasn’t recorded unfortunately but you can see other talks at http://adambraun.com/public-speaking/
Dawn Williams
Your words really get me thinking, Adam. Often times I’m afraid of what other people will think about my presentations and stuff. I tend to do a good job at avoiding getting into situations where criticism can be given. After reading this, I’ll look at situations like that from a different perspective and not run away from the criticism that can be given. Thank you for always inspiring me and sharing your thoughts and experiences that allow me to see things differently, in a positive way!
Adam
Thanks for your feedback Dawn, it’s definitely scary to put yourself out there but just know that even in the bad moments there’s something to be gained.
Monale
This was a great read Adam. I’ve read your book and was greatly inspired by your journey and the end result which is Pencils of Promise (P.S: I tell my friends about your organization any chance I get).
Sometimes, the things we read can challenge us in ways that makes us uncomfortable. It seems like the student was reacting to that discomfort, rather than responding to it.
I once had a student tell me that the assignment for my classes were stupid because the assigned reading was “difficult” (The Seven Storey Mountain: Thomas Merton). I calmly told her that the book was meant to help her understand the tension that exists between faith and reason, and how we could see the struggle in Thomas Merton’s life. Inside, I was boiling with rage.
This post is a great reminder of how to engage difference in a cynical age. Thank you for sharing.
Adam
Appreciate your honesty Monale, I definitely know the feeling! But yes, there’s always something to be learned from the cynicism of others, especially if you don’t just discount it but use it to motivate you.
Irena Hentea
Adam, thank you so much for sharing this story of what happened at that college. Your insight and further strength and thoughtfulness is truly inspiring!
Adam
Absolutely. I’m so glad you enjoyed the read, has something like this happened to you before where someone has called you out publicly? How ddi you handle it Irena?
Paul Angone | All Groan Up
Wow, well done Adam! As an author, speaker, I’ve been there myself and am not sure I handled it with as much class and charisma. This encourages me not to derail, but strengthen. Build a stronger, more lasting platform instead of start throwing bricks back.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Candace
What a great story of transforming the energy of your anger/fury into a positive force for good. Rather like Gandhi at the railway station when he was thrown off. Not quite as dramatic but basically the same story and just as useful and inspiring. Walk in’ da walk!
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Ther’es nothing like the relief of finding what you’re looking for.
Adam
Thanks Paul, good to know there are others out there facing the same thing!
Deandre
This inuotdrces a pleasingly rational point of view.
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